Know what I hate?
Like really, deeply abhor.
Smug little bastard.
Whoever came up with the whole Elf thing needs to be shot.
My kids have been coming home from school every day talking about how ALL THEIR FRIENDS have an Elf on the Shelf. Apparently a girl in Cassidy's class didn't have one but then last night she wished for one and this morning HE WAS THERE! Just like that! Magic!
And also? How cool is it that her friend Lila (name changed cause I'm classy like that) woke up the other morning and her Elf was FISHING IN THE TOILET! Isn't it awesome? Isn't it the coolest thing ever? Why don't we have an Elf?
We really need an Elf, MOM.
No, child. No we don't. I haven't showered since Tuesday, and I'm pretty sure there's mold growing on the laundry that's been in the washing machine for two days, and I don't even want to talk about the state of the kids' bathroom toilet (WHY do boys pee on EVERYTHING??)....so the last thing I need is a freaking ELF I'm supposed to be manipulating in the wee hours of the morning while my children are all sleeping in bed.
Yeah. No. FUCK NO. Fuck no with a cherry on top.
It doesn't matter what I think, though, because that damned Elf is everywhere. He's in Target, he's on TV, he's at friends' houses staring from the corner with his creepy eyes while he sits there on his skinny ass.
Did you know you can buy accessories for the Elf?
For the mere price of $6.95 you can get a cute little skirt to make your formerly androgynous elf into a girl. So not only am I supposed to spend money on something that's going to sit around watching me, but I'm also supposed to execute fun scenarios of elf mischief while my children are sleeping and I'm at the tail end of being awake for 17 hours straight.
I find the idea of telling my children that an inanimate object is filled with magic, and that it's watching their every move, and that it'll report to Santa to be somewhat appalling. And that if they're 'naughty' then they won't get any toys. No. Just no.
I don't even utilize that concept in my regular daily parenting life, I'm certainly not going to bring it about once a year for a month. My kids are expected to be quality human beings because that's how we roll. I'm not giving them the idea that receiving gifts (that we buy them out of love) is contingent upon behaving properly in front of the Elf.
I'd prefer them to know how to handle themselves when no one is watching.
Elf on the Shelf needs to go blow. I hate that damned doll.