Wednesday, April 20, 2016

i'm such a damned mess right now

I'm in the middle of a bout of insomnia, and I'm over it. I need to sleep like a normal person so I can do normal person things during the day.  I don't have time to be exhausted from not sleeping. I'm already exhausted from life being a pain in the ass.

As usual, I'm stressed out. I work part time, but it's not enough. Both small girls go to school in September, and I'm trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with myself. Do I go back to teaching? Not sure I'm capable anymore. I haven't been in a classroom in 13 years. Maybe I'll sub to get my feet wet.

At 37 I feel like I should have my life figured out to some degree.

But I don't. I'm a disaster on wheels most of the time, and I can't seem to pull it together. My house is always messy, laundry is always behind, and I don't cook nearly as often as I'd like. I cleaned out my car the other day and I felt like I'd won something.

I don't feel like my 'small successes' are successes at all. They're more like mediocre nods to my former capabilities. Basically, I want a clean house, an organized garage, and a job or career that makes me enough money so we can take a vacation once in awhile.

I applied to grad school and got in, and then realized that I have no way to actually pay for it.

And on top of feeling like I'm just one mess away from losing my mind, I've gained weight so I also feel uncomfortable in my skin.

Basically, I'm deeply discontent right now, and it's not only related to my personal failings but also my mental health. I have racing thoughts that never, ever stop. Ever. It's like a highlight reel that plays in my head over and over again, never stopping.

I'm tired of my brain.

***

I have a lot of pretty awesome things in my life, my kids being top tier. I have a husband who is a fabulous man and father, and after almost 20 years together he's still my favorite person.

There's no one thing that I can fix. Because it's ME. All this comes from inside me, my brain, my emotions. I look at my life objectively and think about how awesome it truly is.

And then I look at myself objectively and think 'holy shit, you're a fucking hot mess'.

I'm not being self-deprecating, either. I really am a mess.

4 comments:

The Macons said...

I know you are venting so I won't give you the pep talk. Chin up

Stephanie Abdon said...

I feel your pain...and am sending you good vibes!

Charbelle4 said...

Your kids are awesome! I know that you feel overwhelmed by it all. From the outside looking in, to me, you don't appear a hot mess. I think life is crazy and for you life is particularly unpredictable. The husband's job has been awesome and a stable in the midst of moves, babies, medical, car stuff, etc etc etc... So perhaps once the 2 littles are both in school life will start to feel *slightly* less chaotic, maybe...

Jess said...

Well, crap. Had I read this before, I would have hugged you a little tighter on Friday.

You're doing an awesome job. Even if life feels insane, you really are rocking it. Don't doubt that.