Monday, April 9, 2018

cause seizures always come back

Liv had a seizure at school on Friday and I've spend the three days since feeling like I'm going to alternately puke and cry.

I don't really cry much. It takes a lot to upset me, and it takes even more to push my emotional buttons enough to generate tears. Very little that happens that has weight enough to affect my internal self. My kids' vulnerabilities are one of those things.

She hasn't had a seizure in 7 years, and so I'm left with several things happening inside my mom soul.  First, I'm worried. I'm worried, but the worry leaves traces all across the landscape of my brain. Has she been doing this all along and I haven't noticed? Why now? What's changed?

I know we're going to need an MRI, which just sets me off in an entirely new direction because Liv and having to lie still? Not really one of her better skills.  The child can eat her way through my pantry in less than 3 hours but she's never going to cooperate for an MRI.

I'm in Mom Panic Mode, except I have three other kids, a job, and a life that has no fucking TIME for mom panic. So the panic gets rationalized, and I utilize my coping skills to keep my head straight so I'm able to continue to do life in a way that doesn't have my worry affecting everything.

It's exhausting.

In general, I think adulthood just wipes us out. Trying to manage the chaos of parenting, the expectations and responsibilities of a job, and the intricacies of interpersonal relationships is  exhausting for pretty much every parent I know.  Add the fact that I'm a high-functioning autistic adult and all that becomes almost unbearably exhausting.

I can deal, but I'm raw as fuck right now and want nothing more than to sit in a corner of my couch with a beer and watch Parks and Recreation for like ten hours straight.

1 comment:

Jess said...

HUGS and prayers!!!!